I’m not all dark and I’m not all light
I’m everything in between
I’m not a single shade of color
Painted with a single stroke of a brush
I’m a thousand different shades painted
with numerous strokes of experiences
I’m not all good and I’m not all bad
but I have my moments
and some of those cannot be characterized as either
I’m a complex individual
but my complexity is simple to understand
but only when u look close enough
so look closely
but do not think for a moment
that you learned my definition
in the words I spoke
or the actions I took
for you cannot define something
you know nothing about
My life is in disarray, that is just the way it is. It’s all right but it’s not really all right. Sometimes I get a glimpse of a bright future but life forcefully pushes me back into disillusionment. I try to believe that things couldn’t possibly be worse but the truth is that it could be a lot worse and it’s because of this very reason that I can’t give in to helplessness. It’s because of this very reason I must.
But even while I fight I must remember that actions have consequences or is it the fear in me I detect. I don’t fear them but I fear what they could do to my future and the well being of those I love and cherish .I think they are pathetic but even a fly can irritate you. It gets more and more complicated as each day passes by but some of it is my own fault too. I’m not blaming myself or anyone else because things could have turned out different as well but they didn’t.
Of all the parallel universes this is most likely not the best. I’m not the best version of me at least not yet. I will need to harness my inner strength and courage as well as making good use of the intelligence that God gave me .I need to do something but sometimes even this very urge can be paralyzing. I want to write, I wish to be free to do so. I wish to go somewhere, knowing that my loved ones are well cared for even better take them along with me. I don’t want to worry about things as mundane as survival. I want to think of things beyond survival, I wish to live my life and experience joy not helplessness. It’s not entirely my fault where I am and it never is but I am not entirely without blame either.
I need to accept what is and move on and the only thing which will allow me to do so is hope, the hope that the glimpse of a bright future which I sometimes get won’t remain a glimpse forever but reality. The hope that I will be the best version of me and more and this universe will no longer be dark but refreshing and free, the way it’s meant to be.